A poetic journey through my mind

The Beginning

I need a favor…this is the beginning of a wip…not sure whether it‘s big enough to build a whole book on, may be just a short…but most importantly, what do you think?  Is it worth continuing with?  Please comment with any opinions, positive or negative…please try to make any critism constructive, if possible.  

Thanks in advance,



“Stumbling down the icy cold streets, she paused for a panting breath, one trembling hand in its filthy fingerless gloves leaning on the equally filthy wall of the alley, the other holding her slightly extended stomach, protectively. Whispering sound emerged from her, head down. From someone less desperate and half-frozen, they would have been words. “its gonna be ok, love. i promise. just a little more…”
Hot tears threatened to freeze on her cheeks until she shook them off, impatiently. With one last deep breath that ended in a coughing fit, she pushed off the wall and continued her stumbling run. Her eyes darted from side to side, looking desperately for some sign of civilization, someplace to hide, but just as in the past 48 hours, the city stood empty and echoing, a giant rat maze with her as the cheese.

9 responses

  1. I am a poet, not a writer of fiction … to me this would be a good short story, but I don’t have the gift of seeing how it could be expanded.
    If it were me, I would make an outline of where I thought it could be taken and that might help.
    Sorry not to be more help…but I do care and wanted to let you know my thoughts.

    October 2, 2013 at 8:51 pm

    • KC

      *hugs* I appreciate that, and it’s pretty much what I’m worried/thinking about. I tend to fall in love with my characters and want to get them to a happy ending…but you’re right, this part alone could be a short-short story, I think. *sighs* Thank you, I really appreciate your thoughts and comment, it made me think, and that’s exactly what I was hoping for. 😉

      October 3, 2013 at 1:43 am

  2. Sisyphus47

    It’s too bleak for a start of a long work, maybe a short story? 🙂

    October 3, 2013 at 2:25 am

    • KC

      *nods* So far that seems to be the consensus. 🙂 I’ll see what I can do with that in mind…thanks a lot for the comment!

      October 3, 2013 at 2:59 am

  3. Yes I agree short story is the way to go , you have a good start you now need a sharp middle and a neat ending!! All stories have potential this has extra!!

    October 3, 2013 at 12:12 pm

    • KC

      *hugs* Thanks, I spent all night digging up places and contests that take flash fiction to short story…I really like this one, and I may just try to submit it. If so, it’ll be my first, so cross your fingers for me, ok?

      October 3, 2013 at 3:05 pm

  4. it’s a well-written intro (i wouldnt expect anything else from a writer of your ability :)) and it sets up an atmosphere quickly.
    I think it’s too soon to tell whether it has possiblities for a longer project e.g. we don’t know anything about the character yet so we can’t tell if we are captured by her yet. That’s not a criticism by the way, i’m just saying it’s a short excerpt that sets up the city very well but we haven’t met *her* yet.
    Keep working with it and it will find it’s own length

    October 3, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    • KC

      *hugs* Thanks, boss! That’s a -very- good point! And thanks for the compliment…*blushes* One day, I might actually start to believe it. ;p

      October 3, 2013 at 3:09 pm

Talk to me, people! ;)

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